The Unexpected Accommodation (An Original Satire)

“Welcome, friends, to your humble abode for the next nine consecutive months!” The smile never left Suzie the Tour Guide’s face. “Let me just see if I have my numbers correct!” She counted off six of us. “Wonderful! There are six people and four bedrooms. You can make it work. Now, if you’ll just follow me into the house. Be careful on the front porch. A custodian fell through those boards just last month. Not to worry, though, he only suffered from a broken leg. He’ll be walking again in no time!

Be careful when you shut that door behind you! You will see up at the top where the glass doesn’t quite meet the top of the door. One slam could send the entire thing shattering to pieces. There is also bit of a draft in the foyer and common room because of it, but it is quite tolerable if you bundle up.

This is the lovely common room. You will soon notice that it is notoriously dim in here. That is because there is no overhead light. We would love to provide you with some remarkable floor lamps, but that is simply not in our budget at the moment. Get those lamps immediately, friends. The corners of the furniture are sharp, and fumbling around in the dark can be very dangerous. You see this hole right in front of the couch? Oh, no, it is not a result of termites. Someone was vacuuming and chipped a large chunk of wood out of the floor. Replacing the wood flooring would cost an arm and a leg and then some. Just think of it this way, whoever is doing laundry in the basement can look up and wave to the people in the living room! There can never be enough bonding between roommates, I always say.

Follow me to the dining room. This wooden table has resided in this house for fifteen years. We have provided a tablecloth that I’m sure you’ll find most beautiful. It will do very nicely to cover up the profanities carved into the table by some of our more…uncultured residents. To the left of the dining room is the kitchen. You’ll be happy to know that we found the source of the ant problem in the pantry. Someone spilled a jar of honey and left it there for God knows how long! Keep your food sealed and the door closed and you shouldn’t have any issues with those pesky little critters. The stove is very old. Only two of the burners work and if you don’t keep a sharp eye on the food, it could burst into flames. That’s only happened twice, that I know of, and the fires were put out with no trouble at all. The smoke detectors weren’t even disturbed. Isn’t that marvelous?

Shall we go to the upper level of house? Each stair creaks with every step, so sneaking around to try to pull a prank is a difficult task. First I’ll show you the bathroom, the only bathroom in the house I might add, so I hope you folks are good with time management. The shower is quite small, so I wouldn’t spend very much time in there if you’re claustrophobic. The toilet makes a loud whistling sound for ten minutes after every flush, so close the bathroom door to suppress the volume when you’re finished. Each of the bedrooms has big closets and beds that are high off the ground, so I believe you’ll have very efficient storage space. Just a hint, though. I’d take a vacuum to the carpeting before I settle anything in these rooms.

If you’ll follow me back downstairs, I’ll show you the basement. On our trip, let me point out the windows. Each window has a set of blinds. I wouldn’t handle them too much because they have been known to fall apart with just a simple touch. Entire sets have been known to fall directly off the window as if by magic! But, I digress. Ah, here is the basement. If you are over 5 feet tall, remain cautious. The ceiling is quite low, but as you can see, there is enough storage space to spare. Stay away from the far right corner in the back, however. That is usually where the most flooding occurs. This is completely irrelevant, but that is also the spot where the water and sewage runs when the septic tank backs up. But fret not for a moment. That only happened three times before and the whole area has been bleached. Spick and span, don’t you know?

Well, folks, that brings us to the end of the tour. If you run into any problems, which I’m sure you will, feel free to contact me or any of my associates at the main office. I hope you will all be very comfortable here. I’m sure you will adjust to these accommodations just splendidly.

At that point, Suzie the Tour Guide walked out of the house with an exclamation of, ‘Happy Housing!’ as if it were some form of an apology.”

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